An Average Hour in the Life of a Teenage Boy

The other day I saw that a teenage girl had updated her status as, “BOYS ARE SO CONFUSING.” Given that all caps means that she is frustrated beyond all belief, and that I myself was once a teenage boy, I decided to intervene.

I commented:

Perhaps I can clarify a little bit.

Boys enjoy eating. This gives them energy to play sports. They like girls, but not so much that it would cause them to properly bathe after said sports. This causes them to douse themselves with nauseating amounts of cologne. Girls are inevitably turned off by the buckets of cologne, which causes a quandary within the young men’s mind: “I put on the Axe Chocolate, why are hot girls in nothing but bath towels not magnetically drawn to me?”

Sensing a problem, these high pressurized tanks of hormones and stench get together with their pals for more sports, or a video game that makes them think they are Seal Team 6. This leads them to feel more hunger. If they can drive, they hop in their mom’s minivan, and imagine that they are actually reenacting a scene from The Fast and The Furious 1, 2, or 5 (it’s the one with The Rock), and get food. If they can’t drive, the beg their mom for food.

As they scarf down their food, the talk about their favorite subject: girls. This causes them to douse themselves in more cologne. This dousing reminds them of covering stuff with gasoline, and lighting things on fire. So they go out to the shed, and burn stuff. While they are burning stuff, they imagine they are hunting Osama, who is, to their dismay, dead. So they turn once again to their other fantasy: Eating a chalupa, while dunking a basketball, while making out with a girl who is driving a Fast and Furious car.

This is exactly one hour of a teenage boy’s life.

Any questions?